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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.